A Healthy Dose of Sarcasm

Hi, My Name Is Susan (Sexy-Sue 4 short – All Pun Intended); I Was A Size 14 From My Waist Upwards and A 16 From The Hips To The Knee, So Imagine What I Looked Like In My Corporate Shirt, Pencil Skirt And My High Heeled Patent Shoes. I Can’t Be Called Tall But Short Is Not A Description For My Height Either, I Love Reading, Flirting and I Ensure I Eat MY Three Square Healthy Meal on a Daily. I Used to Run Down The Seven Story Building Staircase In my Office Every Time I Had To Go Downstairs To A Colleague’s Offices On The Lower Floors Since I Worked On The Sixth Floor (and Also Because There Was A Cute Dude In The Office Opposite The Second Floor That Intentionally Liked To Ignore My “Winks” Even Though I Was Trying To Get His Attention In a Desperate Way) and Whenever I Was Done Loitering, Gossiping and Working (with my colleagues), Instead Of Going Back The Way I Had Descended, I Slowly Waltz Towards The Elevator and Press The Upward Arrow. I Did That For A Couple Of Months Unconsciously Till The Day I Was Made To Use The Staircase From The Ground Floor To My Office (The Sixth Floor), Because The Generator Refused To Come On and The Electrical Current Wasn’t High Enough To Power The Elevators.
Going Up The First and Second Floor Was Nothing For Me Till I Ran Into Mr. Cute and For The First Time He Actually Noticed Me Because I Was Panting and That Was When I Heard Him Speak and The Only Words He Could Muster With A Smile On His Face Were “Guess It’s Time Someone Picks Up A Form at The Gym” and I Could Have Sworn I Heard Him Say It With Sarcasm, Or So I Though Till I Hit The End Of The Third Floor and Then His Statement Dawned On Me Because The Muscle Pull I Felt On My Right Tight Wasn’t Like Any Pain I Had Ever Felt Before. I Started Hitting My Tights and I Unconsciously Dropped My Laptop and Hand Bag On The Floor. My Colleagues Passed By and They All Whispered Sorry But I Could Have Sworn Again That There Was Also Cynicism In Their Voices As They Passed By. It Took Me Over Ten Minutes To Get To My Floor and By Then It Was Too Late To Sign-in On The Resumption Register (Another Query from my Dwarf-of-a-Boss in View). I Stayed In My Office All Day and Till It Was Time To go Home, I Couldn’t Even Bring Myself To Look Towards His Door When I Got To The Second Floor on My Way Down.

I Didn’t Know I Was Living An Unhealthy Life Till I Was Made To Walk Up The Staircase On That Faithful Day. I Am Only a Size 14/16 for God’s Sake, How Can I Be Called Fat or Unhealthy. Sixteen is The New SEXY, Helllloooooo, Somebody. I Take The Regular Bread and Tea Or Noodles For Breakfast, Rice, Eba Or Fries For Lunch and Rice and Plantain For Dinner and Let’s Not Forget That Every Meal Had To Be Assisted With A Piece Of Beef Or Chicken, In An Attempt To Consume Protein. I Didn’t Know I Was Overweight Till I Was Told To Stop Panting and Register in a Gym By The Guy I Had A Crush On. To Think I Thought He Had Never Noticed Me. I Hit The Gym That Evening Without Remorse.

Staying Healthy Involves Watching What We Eat On A Daily Base, Carbohydrate Is Fattening Because Of The Starch Involved In It Especially When It Is Converted To Fat and It Isn’t Burnt But That Is Not To Say We Must Feed On Protein Alone, That Was What My Gym Instructor Told Me The Day I Hit The Gym. He Asked For What My Eating Timetable On A Daily Was and I Drafted It For Him. He Put Me On An Unenthusiastic Diet. I Started Feeding On More Vegetables In The First Week Of Hitting The Gym. I Was Put On An Intense Diet and I Was Made To Walk More Than I Usually Used To Because I Realized That Staying Healthy Means Feeding On Healthy Food. Vegetables and Fruits Are Essential In Our Life. Drinking A Cup Of Tea, Two Slices Of Bread and An Apple Is Enough For Breakfast. Lunch Should Be Taken Seriously So It Is Advisable To Eat Anything That Can Be Burnt Easily Like Rice and Bean, Potatoes Or Yam Pottage Or Even Eba and Vegetable Soup But Ensure You Take Some Fruits Some Minutes After To Assist In Digestion. Dinner Should Be Taken Before Seven Thirty, Anything After That Should Either Be In The Form Of Fruits Or Vegetables and If It Has To Be A Meal Then It Must Be Burnt On A Treadmill Or A Long Walk.

I Am A Size 12 Now, I Have Not Used The Elevator In Three Months and I Eat Rice, Bread, Eba and Fries Only Once A Week Before I Hit The Gym and I Have Never Felt Healthier. Oh, Not Forgetting My Sarcasm; He Has Been Trying To Get All up in My Business Since I Lost Weight…. He Even Came To My Office Twice To Use Our Printer and I Am Like “ Really”, Did The Ones On The Third, Fourth And Fifth Floor Suddenly Get Bad, Or Did They Ban Him From Even Going To The One On The First Or Seventh Floor?

P.S: Drink Excess Water, Feed on Fruits and Vegetables and Ensure To Walk At least One Mile A Day. You Don’t Have To Go To The Gym Like I Did and Whatever You Do, Just Stay Strong and Alive.

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3 thoughts on “A Healthy Dose of Sarcasm

  1. Nice tips on healthy living. And it is true, just like u pointed out. Sometimes it takes someone we care about or have a soft spot for to make us hit the gym. Yeah. It works like magic.
    Finally, I like d free flow of connected ideas. It makes d write up interesting until d very end. Keep it up, Haleema.

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