The First Ring!!!

Gaga and R.Kelly’s “Do what U want with my body” was playing loudly on repeat. I moved round the entire self-contain house in my bra and shorts, cleaning, dancing and singing. Been excited since i woke up this a.m, which was exactly the same time i received the phone call from Samson, he said “Madam, na today we de come, make you prepare better surprise for Oga.” He told me their expected arrival time. My Sly was coming to town after six weeks on site, yaaay. The distance caused a mini fight between us, thanks to yours truly and I have been waiting to physically and sexually apologize. Wait, rewind…

…I woke up early because the alarm I set for my antibiotic drugs went off. We all know the first ring is always the most annoying, the subsequent ones just make you roll your eyes and sigh on the bed before hitting stop. I took the drugs, eased myself, got into bed, and turned on some music, I was at the verge of dozing when I heard the sound. It was just 5a.m and the only call I was expecting was the call to prayer by the mallam in the mosque beside my house. The first ring interrupted my music so I picked the phone and saw “Samson Driver” as the caller, my heart started an immediate nonstop back flip as I sat upright, did something go wrong with Sly? Was there an accident? Was I really cursed as my former in-laws speculated? Seeing as I lost my ex the week he proposed to me. He went to change the ring he proposed with because the first ring he brought was too small. While at the goldsmiths shop, some armed men attacked them, robbing and shooting randomly, he got hit on the stomach and he bled out, fast. By the time he was rushed to the hospital, he was gone. I mourned him for over 14months. I met Sulaiman(my current man- aka Sly) while I was mourning and he understood and stayed till I was ready. We have been an item for about 2years now, if anything happened to him too, i will drug myself to death. I couldn’t just imagine myself going through another phase of that. “Samson, what is it, what happened to your oga?, I yelled” He replied and said “Madam, na today we de come…”…. story continues

As expected, I had cooked his favorite meal, and I was dusting the furnitures when the door bell rang. I heard the first ring because I was expecting it, I grabbed a shirt before opening the door. It was Sly, he looked tired, we hugged and kissed passionately. We found ourselves on my bed and before I could apologize as planned, I was “shdtdpwya” under the covers. He kissed me passionately several minutes later, slid a ring on my finger and said “Marry me”. The moment was perfect. The ring wasn’t as beautiful as the first ring from the ex but it was the perfect size. I kissed him, smiled with tears dripping down my face as I slowly removed the ring.

Married to Mai’gida

“My name na Hadiza, I be thirty years, I don born seven pikin, and one of my pikin don born so them they call me Kaka. Last week na hin my mai’gida pursue me from our house because of say I no wan carry belle again. I don do family planning and he no know. I lie for am say my belle no fit carry pikin again but e no gree. I don tire”. “I don come to beg the government and the people for Sokoto state make them help me”. “Na only primary school I finish that na why I no fit go they find work for office but I sabi cook, clean house, wash cloth come iron am and I de sabi weave hair well well”. Tears rolled down my eyes as I heard her speak. How can a grandmother to one and a mother to seven suddenly become homeless and a wife to none just because she refused to get pregnant? How wicked people have gradually become. I gave her some water and asked her how a thirty year old woman could have given birth to seven children in a short period of time. Like did she start giving birth at ten ( I said out loud, in my mind), or did she adopt them? She replied and told me the story of her life. My secretary had to rewrite it in English because we couldn’t just publish the whole story in pidgin. Here is her story…

Hadiza was the first daughter of her late parents. Her parents passed away when she was 7years old leaving her with two younger brothers. Her uncles shared them amongst themselves and Hadiza was unlucky enough to be sent to live with her spinster aunt in kaduna. Her brothers both stayed in Kano where they all grew up and they were sent to islamic schools to become educated in the ways of Islam. She never saw or heard from them, again. She moved in with her aunt and started her journey to doom. She became the cleaner, the wash woman, the house help and the punch bag. Her aunt made her work for a whole year before enrolling her into school. And when she eventually did, she made her work for her school fees by sending her to sell satchel water in a football field close to their house. By the time Hadiza was 12, she had become a beautiful girl and her aunt thought to marry her out so she could do away with paying her school fees and also tolerating her.

Hadiza was betrothed to the second man who came for her hands because he was educated and richer than the first one and she was so happy to leave her wicked aunts house that the perks of getting married was the least of her problems. She just assumed she was changing houses and jobs and what wouldn’t a tired 12 year old girl give for some good food, rest and long hours of sleep. Mallam Sanni (her mai’gida) lived in Sokoto so she moved there with him after they got married. By then she was 13 and done with her primary school education. He promised to further her education and to also make her visit home at least once in a year. That was the beginning of the rest of her “world of a lie” life.

Her first sexual experience was worse than the subsequent once. She was molested, bruised, torn, and partially raped. She was made to believe that it was always like that every first time but she later got to realize that it was always going to be like that, every time. Her husband was bigger than her in everything and she was just too small to fight him off. Sex was daily for him during their first year of marriage. He had a routine and she had to follow it judiciously. “He walks into their room and announces his sexual intentions. She goes into the bathroom, takes her bath and comes back to the bedroom with only her wrapper. He takes off his cloths, lay beside her naked and reaches for her bre….. well, we all know what goes on after that but from everything she explained, foreplay wasn’t in their routine. This went on for a while and she finally got pregnant and the sex stopped. Her first and only daughter was birthed when she (Hadiza) was 3months shy of her 15th birthday and barely 11months after she started her menstruation cycle. Giving birth was always done by a midwife in their house and her aunt came for a week only to help her, after that, her mother-in-law moved in and took over. As soon as her first baby was 5months old, her husband’s sexcapades started all over again, 5 to 6 times a week. Her mother-in-law passed on after her fourth child so she was left alone to take care of her fifth. She got a live in elderly woman (Jumai) to assist her with her bunch of kids before the gave birth to the sixth and seventh child. Her husband married out their first child, Hajara (the month she started her menstruation), at the age of 14 to a younger and better man and she bore a son a year after. It was Jumai who told her about family planning and she took her there some months ago. Her husband made sure he provided for his children by sending them to school, feeding them and clothing them but that was all. He barely gave her enough money to include herself from the catering allowance. She could only save about N142, 500 which she had in cash with her because she didn’t have a bank account. Her husband chased her out some days ago because his several attempts to get her pregnant again had failed and he was worried and impatient. He said he wanted 3 more daughters from her. She lied to him that she lost her womb due to some infections she had via him after she birthed the seventh child and the midwife said she couldn’t give birth again. She was tired of going through the torment and suffering alone and he was having none of it. Said he couldn’t leave with a barren woman at home and he was going to replace her if she didn’t give him another child.

To cut the long story short, he threw her out after the seventh child turned 2 and she was directed to my NGO by Jumai, for help. How can an educated man descend so low, so so low and decide to imprison a girl of 13years old. A girl young enough to be his child. He sleeps with her bruising her fragile body with his huge manly parts. Early marriage has never been supported by me. A girl should be old enough to chose a husband for herself. She shouldn’t be forced into any kind of union with any man, no matter how matured she is/looks. Age also matters too. A girl of 18 or 19 who has gone through the four walls of high school is still too young to be betrothed to any man, talk more of a child of 13. Early marriage is a thing of the past. No man, educated or not should be encouraged to patronize the idea of getting married to a child. He should wait till she is old enough to understand the “crux of a marriage” before engaging her in anything/way.

Chaotic Silence… too

Adewale drove around town for a while, contemplating on what his next line of action should be. Should he just go home and forget everyone and everything. Confronting his sister was out of it, it’s not like his questions will automatically change her sexual preference. She was into women, into his own women. She chased April in high school and she snatched Jessy from him. Oh No, the realization just dawned on him. Jessy, Hmmm, no wonder she didn’t give in to any of his sexual advances and as a gentleman who believed in waiting for the right moment, he never pushed her for anything beyond the friendly kisses because he was hoping she would eventually trust and let him in but that never happened because his sister was probably screwing her and her conscience wouldn’t allow her “do” two siblings. Pffft. But there were times when Jessy came over and spent the weekend with them but she only kissed him lightly and said sleeping in his sisters room was safer and more appropriate. What a very decent girl he thought she was back then but now the truth just became clear. She was being eaten or even “toyed with” by his lovely innocent and intelligent sister. He can remember practically begging Mofe to campaign on his behalf whenever she was with his girlfriend and campaign she said she was doing, hmmmm, cramping right.

“Adeeeeee!!! You know say you mess up sha, a whole guy man like you” he spoke aloud this time to himself. In the past he had felt bad that he just left Jessy hanging because they never really broke up and then he met April and he found everything he had always wanted in a woman, wife and mother of his children in her. His conscience wasn’t clear because Jessy was now a close family friend and he felt she was broken from his decision to move on without her, little did he know that her interest never lay with him, she had eyes for his sister. At a point, he even thought Jessy was trying to get to know him and his family better before “sexually consumating” (in Lady Em’s words) their relationship, but alas….
He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t know the music he was playing had stopped until he heard a phone ringing. Oh dear, he had April’s phone in the car, no wonder she hadn’t called him since. Amidst the chaotic drive round town, he had been expecting his phone to ring but now he knew why. Driving round town for a while cleared his head for some minutes for him to realize he needed a drink. He drove to a bar, had himself a whole bottle of champagne and peppered snail. Ade knew what had to be done and he knew he had to face everyone and tell them of his new decisions. The thought of facing April was scary but it had to be done. He headed for Jessy’s.

Mofe thought of several ways to approach the matter. Should she walk to April and apologize for something she barely remembered doing or should she just walk back inside, hail her folks, take her bath and sleep off. Her parents didn’t know of any of this because they were in their chalet and she hadn’t gone there to greet them upon returning home. She wondered what her parents would say or do when they eventually found out that the reason there wasn’t going to be a wedding again was because of her. Their lovely innocent Mofe. She swallowed the last of her pride, walked towards April and did what she should have done several years ago. She stood in front of her, put both hands on her shoulder and asked for her forgiveness with biddy eyes and a shaky voice. She told April the truth about herself. “I am a lesbian, I have always been and I don’t know if I can change who I am. I don’t know why the sight of another woman turns me on and I don’t know if it is something I should apologize for but I am here and that is what I am. I am sorry about high school, it was juvenile delinquency and I have long since grown. But please that shouldn’t mean you should leave my brother for this reason please. Dude loves you and he can’t wait to marry you. I already took Jessy away from him, don’t make me be the cause of you leaving him again, please.” Mofe kept going on and on about how Ade’s life would be destroyed, and all sort but the only thing that caught Aprils attention was “taken Jessy”.

Wait, sorry but please wait, are you saying you and Jessy are an item? All the bewildering confessions just made her stifle a cry. Jessy and Mofe, an item? Wow. It then dawned on her what Mofe meant by saying she had taken Jessy from Ade. April had always known that they where in a relationship in the past but Ade said it wasn’t as serious as that and she grudgingly believed him because she felt Jessy was only claiming to be best of friends with Mofe just to be close to Ade, but now after all she just heard, she finally believed he wasn’t lying. Awwww her poor Ade, he lost his first love to his sister and he recently just discovered that the same sister once made a move on his fiancé. He must be going through hell now, she checked her pockets for her phone and remembered it was in Ade’s car. She had to reach him. She had to apologize to him. She wasn’t ready to lose him. O, her dear Ade. She looked into Mofes eyes, pouted for some seconds, wiped the tears from her beady eyes and accepted her apology, they hugged, shared a joke and some other stories as they walked back into the house together to greet her in-laws, Mofe’s parents.

Jessy got home before her guest so she set up the mood for her escapade. She needed to exorcise herself of this sullen event. She needed to be punished as the sudden tension in her was overwhelming. She turned on the air condition, cd player and she plugged the kettle. She needed a cup of coffee, She had no plans of sleeping. Jessy got into her lingerie, brought out her dominatrix box and sat down on the kitchen counter. The water started to boil and she made herself a small cup of chinese black coffee which she downed in no time. A few minutes later her door bell rang. She ran to the door half clad in a see through lingerie and a whip between her teeth. She opened the door for her guest and was shocked to see Ade instead. The look he gave her was weird and that stirred something in her pants. He smiled, nodded his head, removed the whip from her mouth and walked into her house closing the door behind them…

Chaotic Silence…….1

I don’t see how this can work again, babe, I don’t know how you expect me to marry the brother of a girl who molested me in junior high school. How can you ask that of me? How??? She is a lesbian, a full blown one for God’s sake, how could you not have mentioned that? We spoke about everybody and their likes extensively before we got here, and you never thought to mention Mofe’s sexuality to me.

April, with her back turned at him, vented on and on and on about the impossibility of their union together and her fiancé, just stood there, speechless. He looked like he had aged in the last few minutes. He looked stressed, confused, angry, lost, and the same time surprised. He was surprised because he could not comprehend what he just witnessed. April walked in, saw Mofe, screamed Senior Omo, and ran back out, in her heels. He had never seen April so scared before, ever. How could April, his lovely fiancée, the woman he was about to make his wife and the future mother of his unborn-presidential kids accuse his sister, his word-of-peace, and his most intelligent female competitor, of lesbianism? His Omomofe, his innocent sister who has never had time for boys or any serious relationship because she has always been too occupied with her books, family and her friends. The one who brings peace to the hearts of every troubled family member because she has a way for comforting and convincing a troubled soul in their time of confusion by providing companionship, any day, anytime? No, he was not going to take this from anyone not even his lover. Especially not his lover.

Keep quiet! Keep quietttt!! Please. April, for God’s sake, shut your mouth up and let me think, please. You have been talking for the past 20 minutes or more and I have allowed you. Now, please, SHUT IT UP!!! Please. Adewale had never ever spoken to her like that before, April knew when to shut it and she was glad she did immediately and as soon as she did, she turned to look at the man she has been engaged to for a while, she didn’t see the happy-go-fellow she fell in love with, instead she saw a man who looked like the world had just been reaped from underneath him, she saw a man that looked worn-out, overwhelmed, agitated and old. He didn’t look like the man that chased after her half an hour ago. He didn’t look like the man she fell in love with. He looked like he had just escaped from the pit of hell. April’s heart sank; she knew leaving this man would kill him faster than a cobra’s sting. But then she tried to stay put as her body asked of her, as opposed to what her heart was telling her, which was to rush into his arms and withdraw all she had blurted out a while ago, from anger and rage.

Adewale didn’t understand what he was going to do but he knew he needed answers. He walked back into the house like a man with a deadly mission screaming Jessica’s name repeatedly, without waiting for a response, he called Mofe’s name with disgust as he walked into them hugging each other in her room. He pulled out his shirt from his pants and rolled up his sleeves. He needed air, and he need to loosen his buttons because it was becoming too hot to breathe. Jessica separated herself from Mofe, turned with biddy eyes and attempted to walk out of the room hoping to leave her lover and her ex to sort themselves out. She also looked as worn out as Ade did. He looked into her eyes and the answer to all the questions he was about to ask was there in her eyes. Yes, she knows Mofe is a lesbian. Yes, she is one of her partners. Yes, she is sorry he had to find out this way. He stood there, shocked. He could not believe what he had just discovered from a mere glance. How can his Jessica, the girl he once loved and wanted to spend his life with be in a relationship with his sister, his lovely sister. How??? He broke into hot tears and screamed Oh my God, as his hands reached for his chest,squeezing his shirt in the process like one whose heart had just been broken into visible pieces. His shirt had been dampened from the river that flowed from his eyes and his body was sagged from emotional exhaustion, he looked at his ex, his sister, and walked away from both of them. He walked towards his car, but stopped briefly by April, kissed her on the forehead and whispered “I am terribly sorry. I do love you but I need me sometime to think. Alone.” as he looked into her red teary beautiful eyes, he hugged her tightly and got into his car, locked himself up and drove off while all three of them stared at the dust he had just raised.

Jessica stared at April and mouthed, “I am so sorry”. She could not bring herself to be audible seeing as she had suddenly lost her voice to tears and pain. There was no way in hell she was going to confront him with the pregnancy idea anymore, due to his recent discovery of her sexuality. She couldn’t even phantom it not even in her wildest imagination. There goes her baby daddy, the perfect sperm for her raging eggs. She looked at Mofe and mouthed “I’ll call you tomorrow” then got into her car and drove away too. There was no way she was going to stay and witness the next episode of rants from April and Mofe. She had heard enough for the evening, going back home to her quiet house sounded like a very good idea now. She picked her phone and dialed a number on her speed dial, a female voice answered, they exchanged pleasantries and she asked the person on the other end to meet her at home with a bottle of Jack, sleep over clothes and a joint or two.

April stood there as Jessy drove away. She had always wondered why she was so close to Ade and yet they had no sexual history. If only she had paid more attention to her, she may have known something fishy was up. Hmmm, what is she going to do now? How is she going to explain to her family that the wedding was not going to hold again? How?. She stood there shuttling her gaze between the gate, and Mofe at the entrance to the house. The silence between them was mentally chaotic. She desperately wanted to leave the house but that would mean calling a cab and she was damn sure she left her phone in Ade’s car…

Talk about being stranded at the wrong time and place.

April’s Deja’Vu

I don’t understand. What you are talking about Zebby (or Hajiya Zainab as her fellow colleagues called her) I mustered, as I ran my fingers through her brownish left soft lump from her see-through chemise, while I dipped my spare hands in between her panties, in search of her pinky. We were trying so hard to gasp for air as she nibbled on my earlobes and neck while she fondled my behind; we ended up having a wild make out session as usual on her couch for some minutes before a knock on the door separated us, sharply. I walked towards her bathroom to wash my hands as a nurse walked in with my file and some drugs which she had prescribed to me earlier on. Zainab has been my doctor, friend, and side chick for a couple of years. She is a mother of two, married to a wealthy, famous and very busy politician who is yet to satisfy her like I do, or so she always says for every orgasm I give her, every time. Well, who cares? She’s not the topic of discussion for now. I am. I am only 32 years old for jeez sake, yes, I am kinda rich, I am street smart, intelligent, semi-single and a mini-freak but that’s not an excuse for nature to attempt to treat me like trash yeah. Some people are worse than me and I don’t think they will ever be dealt with this kind of blow, still.
Zebby, how am I supposed to make a baby within 2 months without a spouse or even an imaginary relationship with the opposite sex? I checked to see if her door had been properly closed by the nurse who just left before I blurted my fears. You know I am a full blown lesbian; I have never even properly French kissed a guy let alone have them inside of me, what other options do we have, I quizzed. What about that Artificial insemination process I have been reading about via the net, can’t it be done In Nigeria? Or can’t we get a surrogate mother to do the ish for me? Babes, talk to me, I am scared yes but your silence and the smirk on your face is more creepy. Is it that bad? Zebby finally broke into a comforting smile and a sexy 20 seconds laughing spree before she uttered a word of. Haba Jessica; it isn’t so bad you know, I mean having a guy inside of you. They are not as bad as you imagine. It’s the same thing we do, just with a difference. I am married remember, with time you will endure and enjoy, I promise you. The only solution I have here is for you to have sex with a real guy for a couple of times. Get pregnant along the line, and continue with your Gold plated rabbit over time, like seriously, who buys a gold plated rabbit? We both burst into laughter, while I unconsciously streamlined my thoughts into the list of male friends that I had. All my male friends know I am Gisexual, and telling one of them to screw me would be the most awkward thing to ever come out of my sarcastic mouth. How? Me? UNpossible. I should probably lure one of those randy junior staff in my office to bed, but won’t that turn out to be disrespectful in the end?
A lot of thoughts ran through my mind as I drove back to work and I just couldn’t come up with a solution. I picked my phone and dialed Mofe. She is my ex’s sister who happens to be my fulltime girlfriend now, though she is currently in Canada completing her Ph.d. I told her what the doctor said and the solution to my problem, her screaming utterances was epic, magnificent!!! I could tell from her reaction that she couldn’t believe what she was hearing. I was going to be barren in a year or 14 months because a certain cyst that I just discovered after several heavy bleeding episodes, countless lab tests and scans, was about to destroy my womb and as the only child of my single-never-married-virgin macro-born again mother, I owed her a child at least. Whatever sex is fine by both of us. My mum was impregnated by some random cult guy when she was in the university and that’s how I came about. She gave me the love and affection any mother and father could give even after her parents threw her out. She struggled to finish school and decided to give up her career for a few years to ensure I had a good childhood before she continued working. Her parents took us back in when they realized that she didn’t lose focus despite her situation because she kept on fending for both of us in a good way without any man in her life. Her parents took her back in but by then I was old enough to differentiate between good and bad and for me, they were BAD. My mum always warned me about boys, men, or the male specie. I guess that’s how I ended up loving women because I figured the only way to avoid getting preggers and reliving my mother’s life would be to stay away from men, so I erm, well, here I am, A girl’s scout. I discovered my love for girls in St. Grace Academy, a girl’s school. I was in a boarding school, and watching girl’s bath, play, and play dressup was a huge turn on for me. I had my first sex in ss1 with a senior in ss3. By the time I got to ss3, I was already counting heads as the Head prefect (literally).
Finding like minds in the university was a piece of cake as I was very popular in class due to my brains and I had a lot of male friends who never got to see me naked so I was the talk of the school and I guess that alone attracted the girls. I had my fair share of head counts there too and I think I was actually in love with a certain girl who broke up with me in our final year because she was getting married to a guy. She was the one that got away. Or so I thought till I left school and decided to focus on building my career and life.
Mum was always trying to hook me up with the sons of her sisters from church and colleagues from work. In the earlier stage it was annoying as I was always fighting about it with her but with time I realized giving in and going on a boring date had its perks after all cos that’s how I met Mofe. Her elder brother (Adewale – my platonic ex) was and is still cute and I think he was in love with me but I, your royal Queen B, had eyes only for Mofe. She isn’t as cute as her brothers yeah but she has the most amazing body ever and her laughter is one of the reasons amongst several others I was always trying to make a joke out of every situation. She laughs from the heart and she is a wonderful person. If only I felt the same way about her brother. She like her brothers and everyone else in her family has a beautiful soul, forgiving heart and a prayerful tongue. I think I fell in love with her family first because they gave me a sense of belonging. They treated me as one of their own. They look at life as a passage to a bigger place and that has always been my belief. Adewale doesn’t still know I am a lesbian. He thought I became best of friends with his sister a few months after we met just so I could study him but we have been “best of friends” for over 4 years and I am sure he gets the message now. I want to be part of the family but I don’t want it to be through or with him.
Talking about Adewale, the height of our relationship was a hug and a peck, gave him several stories about why I wasn’t ready to be intimate yet and because he loved me then, he believed waiting for the right time would be perfect for both of us. He has stopped waiting now, seeing as he has a new girlfriend whose name is April, like seriously, April weds Ade, hahhahahaha, whatever. Heard from a grapevine that he was bringing her around for Christmas, Christmas was 45 days away and Mofe would be home too, hmmm, talk about perfect timing. He is the perfect pawn, but how am I going to explain this to Mofe? Now that’s the main problem I have at hand. How do I tell the girl I am in love with that the only person I can allow to even touch me or sleep with me is her brother who is now in a serious relationship, reason being that it would make me feel closer to her by virtue of the baby. Can I even pull it off or should I just ignore Zebbys message and play deaf till my mother realizes that I have lost my womb to one of life’s cruel hands.
All these thoughts kept running concurrently through my head six weeks later when I rushed down to welcome Mofe as I was too busy to go pick her from the airport because I was in a long, productive end of “Q4 and Intro to Q1” meeting with my business partners/colleagues. I walked in on Adewale and his girlfriend having a heated argument at the parking lot and from the look of things, I could tell she was trying to leave, hmmm, perfect again for me. Mofe sat down on her box in the mini parlor looking dumbfounded at the door. I walked in screaming and she didn’t even move a muscle. She just sat there looking like she had just seen a ghost. My heart broke immediately; I had never seen Mofe, my “face of peace” looking so confused, sad, lost, and heartbroken. I reached out to her and dragged her into her room as I watched tears fall from her eyes. I couldn’t ask her what the problem was cos I knew it had to do with the fight I saw outside. I had the whole evening to listen to her so I sat there and rocked her slowly. She finally mumbled something I didn’t catch so I nudged her and asked her to repeat what she just said. That was when my worst nightmare came alive in my wake. Omolola (now known as April), Adewales fiancé was one of the girls that Mofe forced to do unlawful sexual acts to her in high school when she was a junior. Apparently April had grown, and her name and physical features changed with time but Mofe didn’t recognize her from the pictures Ade sent to her when he sent her a shopping list for his soon-to-be bride. April on the other hand, had only spoken to Mofe a couple of times and she had never really seen a picture of her seeing as Mofe was rarely in the country to start with and we were all supposed to officially meet each other for Christmas.
Therein rests my problem people.

Note: don’t judge my sexuality; I was born/made that way in my head. I do not know why I am Gisexual but I like it. I am a semi-healthy freak who is a lover of life, wealthy, and God fearing Continue reading

A Healthy Dose of Sarcasm

Hi, My Name Is Susan (Sexy-Sue 4 short – All Pun Intended); I Was A Size 14 From My Waist Upwards and A 16 From The Hips To The Knee, So Imagine What I Looked Like In My Corporate Shirt, Pencil Skirt And My High Heeled Patent Shoes. I Can’t Be Called Tall But Short Is Not A Description For My Height Either, I Love Reading, Flirting and I Ensure I Eat MY Three Square Healthy Meal on a Daily. I Used to Run Down The Seven Story Building Staircase In my Office Every Time I Had To Go Downstairs To A Colleague’s Offices On The Lower Floors Since I Worked On The Sixth Floor (and Also Because There Was A Cute Dude In The Office Opposite The Second Floor That Intentionally Liked To Ignore My “Winks” Even Though I Was Trying To Get His Attention In a Desperate Way) and Whenever I Was Done Loitering, Gossiping and Working (with my colleagues), Instead Of Going Back The Way I Had Descended, I Slowly Waltz Towards The Elevator and Press The Upward Arrow. I Did That For A Couple Of Months Unconsciously Till The Day I Was Made To Use The Staircase From The Ground Floor To My Office (The Sixth Floor), Because The Generator Refused To Come On and The Electrical Current Wasn’t High Enough To Power The Elevators.
Going Up The First and Second Floor Was Nothing For Me Till I Ran Into Mr. Cute and For The First Time He Actually Noticed Me Because I Was Panting and That Was When I Heard Him Speak and The Only Words He Could Muster With A Smile On His Face Were “Guess It’s Time Someone Picks Up A Form at The Gym” and I Could Have Sworn I Heard Him Say It With Sarcasm, Or So I Though Till I Hit The End Of The Third Floor and Then His Statement Dawned On Me Because The Muscle Pull I Felt On My Right Tight Wasn’t Like Any Pain I Had Ever Felt Before. I Started Hitting My Tights and I Unconsciously Dropped My Laptop and Hand Bag On The Floor. My Colleagues Passed By and They All Whispered Sorry But I Could Have Sworn Again That There Was Also Cynicism In Their Voices As They Passed By. It Took Me Over Ten Minutes To Get To My Floor and By Then It Was Too Late To Sign-in On The Resumption Register (Another Query from my Dwarf-of-a-Boss in View). I Stayed In My Office All Day and Till It Was Time To go Home, I Couldn’t Even Bring Myself To Look Towards His Door When I Got To The Second Floor on My Way Down.

I Didn’t Know I Was Living An Unhealthy Life Till I Was Made To Walk Up The Staircase On That Faithful Day. I Am Only a Size 14/16 for God’s Sake, How Can I Be Called Fat or Unhealthy. Sixteen is The New SEXY, Helllloooooo, Somebody. I Take The Regular Bread and Tea Or Noodles For Breakfast, Rice, Eba Or Fries For Lunch and Rice and Plantain For Dinner and Let’s Not Forget That Every Meal Had To Be Assisted With A Piece Of Beef Or Chicken, In An Attempt To Consume Protein. I Didn’t Know I Was Overweight Till I Was Told To Stop Panting and Register in a Gym By The Guy I Had A Crush On. To Think I Thought He Had Never Noticed Me. I Hit The Gym That Evening Without Remorse.

Staying Healthy Involves Watching What We Eat On A Daily Base, Carbohydrate Is Fattening Because Of The Starch Involved In It Especially When It Is Converted To Fat and It Isn’t Burnt But That Is Not To Say We Must Feed On Protein Alone, That Was What My Gym Instructor Told Me The Day I Hit The Gym. He Asked For What My Eating Timetable On A Daily Was and I Drafted It For Him. He Put Me On An Unenthusiastic Diet. I Started Feeding On More Vegetables In The First Week Of Hitting The Gym. I Was Put On An Intense Diet and I Was Made To Walk More Than I Usually Used To Because I Realized That Staying Healthy Means Feeding On Healthy Food. Vegetables and Fruits Are Essential In Our Life. Drinking A Cup Of Tea, Two Slices Of Bread and An Apple Is Enough For Breakfast. Lunch Should Be Taken Seriously So It Is Advisable To Eat Anything That Can Be Burnt Easily Like Rice and Bean, Potatoes Or Yam Pottage Or Even Eba and Vegetable Soup But Ensure You Take Some Fruits Some Minutes After To Assist In Digestion. Dinner Should Be Taken Before Seven Thirty, Anything After That Should Either Be In The Form Of Fruits Or Vegetables and If It Has To Be A Meal Then It Must Be Burnt On A Treadmill Or A Long Walk.

I Am A Size 12 Now, I Have Not Used The Elevator In Three Months and I Eat Rice, Bread, Eba and Fries Only Once A Week Before I Hit The Gym and I Have Never Felt Healthier. Oh, Not Forgetting My Sarcasm; He Has Been Trying To Get All up in My Business Since I Lost Weight…. He Even Came To My Office Twice To Use Our Printer and I Am Like “ Really”, Did The Ones On The Third, Fourth And Fifth Floor Suddenly Get Bad, Or Did They Ban Him From Even Going To The One On The First Or Seventh Floor?

P.S: Drink Excess Water, Feed on Fruits and Vegetables and Ensure To Walk At least One Mile A Day. You Don’t Have To Go To The Gym Like I Did and Whatever You Do, Just Stay Strong and Alive.

LUST and POUND

I want to have a baby with you. No, I want to wife you. Even if the whole world let’s you down, I will always be there for you. If its the last thing Ill do on earth, I will give my only arm for you. If I had met you earlier it would have been you with my last name. I will do anything for you. You can do no wrong in my eyes. You are a harlot, a prostitute, a dog. I wonder what I was thinking when I first met you. If I have my ways I would kill you. You are not worth anything to anyone b***h. Your father doesn’t know what kind of hungry thing he has for a child. I will disgrace you and your entire family but first you must return everything I have ever given you. The money, the gadgets, everything I have ever given your wretched life. Those were the words you used recently after EVERYTHING. How do people sleep well at night after saying all sort of nasty words to their fellow human just because they erred? I guess I should have listened to my instincts five years ago when I ran into your face. No, what I should have done should have been to listen to her voice when she called to warn and threaten me. I couldn’t see the future so I thought she was wasting her time and energy on me. What’s the worst thing that could happen I thought……hmmmm, naaaaaa, never, not in this life time I said to myself because I wasn’t that strong, bold or stupid. Lust according to the dictionary is a very strong sexual desire that doesn’t involve love but pleasure. That’s what it was. You took my weakness and made it your strength. You used my pain against me by deriving pleasure from my sadness. You took the last breath I was saving for my grand finale smile and you used it up on a frown. Guess I didn’t see it because I wanted to believe it was affection. I was never the type who met people who often appreciated them with words and gifts so when I meet the people who make me feel wanted and needed, I often let down my guards and open up to them emotionally, verbally, and happily but never sexually. Yes, that’s the stupid thing I did and I regret every sweat, creak, vain promises and moment. I hate the day I smiled back at you.

The lust you had for me only became obvious after the first year but I was too blinded by vanity that when you came back and apologized, I opened my arms and smiled back in acceptance. I should have followed my instincts again but No, I stood there and endured every harsh word, every hit, every tear, every drop of blood and everything. I have never had a reason to have bad or negative thoughts towards other people but for you, I am beginning to have them. I will not curse you, No, I will not. I will not do half of the things I have thought of in my head like sending half a dozen men to rape and molest your wife and children so you will know what it really feels like to be called names, sending an arsonist to burn down every item you have ever purchased so you will know what it feels like when everything you have earned is suddenly taken from you, shooting you in the arms and cutting out your tongue so you can speak no evil anymore or hold your phone to make a call and send a text. No I will not. I will not allow you make me what I am not or who I am not. I will not even take away the life of your mother and make you free of her burden, no I will not. I am not that resilient, malicious or inhumane.

I will not curse your children the way you have cursed me. I am sure someone else will do that on my behalf. Your strength is your wealth and your mouth. I pray you continue to have them in excess. I will wait for you on the said day, the day of reckoning. The day the pound of flesh will be collected from me, by you and by force in the presence of no one. I will wait where we first met, wearing the smile you almost took away from me, alongside the pride you have vowed to swallow for me. I may not die in peace but I will try to make peace with God and I have asked everyone I have ever offended to forgive me because I hope to make heaven. I hope and wish you the same too but remember this and remember today. Remember you are human and you have a God. I shall return your pound, in cash and in kind.